Entry 004

Damn silence. It was choking her. Eons of it, even though it passed only few hours, but for her it was whole eternity.

“I am feeling much better, but I figure out that need to be alone…” He said silently and shifted his tired glance on her. Damn he was drinking her with that glance. A fountain of beautiful. She finally understood how beautiful he was when he was sad. Sadness stood perfect on him and that was something that broke her heart.

Alone? What he was assuming by “alone”? She asked herself, then him, but she knew  the answer, although he couldn’t give her. He knew it too.

She smiled prepared to give herself into darkness if that would mean that he would feel better. She smiled, but inside, she screamed, she wept. She knew she has to be stone for him, no tears, no grimaces of pain. Stone, strength.

He was scanning her, because he knew. He saw mask on her face, but he knew exactly what was below that mask. He just stared at her.

She had to avoid his glance, his glance was like a polygraph to her, the one she will not be able to pass.

“Are you ok?”

Fear, love, sadness, fury, lust, all that packed in one small box inside of her, ready to explode. She knew what was her salvation. She looked at him and once again he was the one comforting her. She took his cheek in her hand and she said as fast as she could before she started to sob.

“I will love you no matter what you decide…”

Failed. She failed to be his rock. She was as weak as it could. She shouldn’t say a thing, she has to look at him and tell him, that everything is going to be ok, no matter what he decide, not that!

“I asked you if you are ok and you said that you are. You are not ok.” He said so silently, it was a whisper. She felt his breath on her face. He said it so broken.

Damn! She shouldn’t do that. She hated herself for being a weakling. She had to make it right, so she gave one of those logical, pragmatical answers, she always did. Reason before everything, logic before puny emotion. Right?

He believed her. And she saw black cloud above him, becoming gray again. Good. That was good.

She made an vow that moment. If it means for her to go six feet under for him, she will. She WILL make a sacrifice for him and she will do, whatever he asks of her. She will SHOW him the way she loves him, by leaving if she has to.

She is a wolf and wolves fight.

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