His

Craving… Yearning… Brought to maximum, overwhelming her being. Like a hungry animal she was breathing heavy, hoping she will get another bite of that sweet torment.

Her mind was a mess, fast-running mess. She tried to catch only one steady thought, but she failed multiple times. She was not her own. She was completely at his disposal. Animal in His cage.

“Who are you?” His voice was so soft, low, threatening, powerful.

Who she was? What she was? Another try to catch and hold something rational and failure… again and again.

He repeated, now, a little sharper.

She had to hurry to find proper answer. Time was ticking and she hated dead lines…

“Who are you?”

His voice still silent, but now so threatening. He was annoyed by her lack of speed, irritated. And fear rose in her mind, spreading roots, preventing anything meaningful to approach into consciousness.

She looked into his eyes and she saw fury, silent rage. She was stalling once again… something he hated so much.

Some words came out of her mouth, she begin to stutter. She couldn’t understand them, she wasn’t sure if she was talking at all, but she heard her voice and she felt her vocal cords working. Then she stopped.

What has she said?

He closed his eyes, all of sudden so tired, exhausted. His hand on her cheek, soft, gentle, but strong. He moved his thumb over her chin and her lips and then he opened his eyes.

She was shocked by the warmth in them. She expected more rage, but there was warmth in his eyes, kindness.

“You are Mine!” His voice so gentle, but so demanding. This wasn’t suggestion, but the state of fact. He owned her.

She felt as he slammed her on the wall and then took her into hug.

Mine… echoed through her mind.

Mine, Mine, Mine…

She heard her voice again, she was repeating it out loud.

She glanced at him and saw approval in his gaze.

She was His. Completely. Her body, her mind, her heart, all of that only His.

He told her everything with that one word. He tied her to Himself, releasing her at same time. She was free, unchained in His arms, in His mind, in His gaze. She was herself by being His.

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Entry 004

Damn silence. It was choking her. Eons of it, even though it passed only few hours, but for her it was whole eternity.

“I am feeling much better, but I figure out that need to be alone…” He said silently and shifted his tired glance on her. Damn he was drinking her with that glance. A fountain of beautiful. She finally understood how beautiful he was when he was sad. Sadness stood perfect on him and that was something that broke her heart.

Alone? What he was assuming by “alone”? She asked herself, then him, but she knew  the answer, although he couldn’t give her. He knew it too.

She smiled prepared to give herself into darkness if that would mean that he would feel better. She smiled, but inside, she screamed, she wept. She knew she has to be stone for him, no tears, no grimaces of pain. Stone, strength.

He was scanning her, because he knew. He saw mask on her face, but he knew exactly what was below that mask. He just stared at her.

She had to avoid his glance, his glance was like a polygraph to her, the one she will not be able to pass.

“Are you ok?”

Fear, love, sadness, fury, lust, all that packed in one small box inside of her, ready to explode. She knew what was her salvation. She looked at him and once again he was the one comforting her. She took his cheek in her hand and she said as fast as she could before she started to sob.

“I will love you no matter what you decide…”

Failed. She failed to be his rock. She was as weak as it could. She shouldn’t say a thing, she has to look at him and tell him, that everything is going to be ok, no matter what he decide, not that!

“I asked you if you are ok and you said that you are. You are not ok.” He said so silently, it was a whisper. She felt his breath on her face. He said it so broken.

Damn! She shouldn’t do that. She hated herself for being a weakling. She had to make it right, so she gave one of those logical, pragmatical answers, she always did. Reason before everything, logic before puny emotion. Right?

He believed her. And she saw black cloud above him, becoming gray again. Good. That was good.

She made an vow that moment. If it means for her to go six feet under for him, she will. She WILL make a sacrifice for him and she will do, whatever he asks of her. She will SHOW him the way she loves him, by leaving if she has to.

She is a wolf and wolves fight.

Entry 003

She couldn’t wait so she asked, she wanted to know what lies behind that nothingness in him. He told her. She listened and he talked. She felt so guilty for his dark feelings. She just felt dirty for making him feel like that when he is near her. She tried to justify herself, but she couldn’t cause there was nothing to be justified. After more then two hours of talk came silence… There was time for rest.

Good night was said and than they turned back to each other.

How long has passed, she couldn’t say, but she got awaken by rough touch, anger coming from his hands. He was demanding, without any emotion except anger.

He wanted to be inside of her and he didn’t think about anything else. He wanted to fuck her. In that moment she was nothing to him, just an instrument of his release. He took her fast, without any mercy and he pounded inside of her, filling any part of her body that could accept his arousal. It didn’t last long. He didn’t want it to last long. He wanted it quick.

Was he hating himself for taking her so, without any respect, she couldn’t say. All she saw was huge anger in his moves, his touch. She let him do it. She even enjoyed it. He was punishing her and she enjoyed so much. He didn’t want her to come. She was completely irrelevant. He yearned to be selfish and she let him have that. She silently submitted to his need.

Making his craving complete, he turned his back again, forgetting about object that wasn’t important. She was His object and funny feeling was, that, it didn’t hurt. She made him feel good and she was happy cause of that.

She wanted to make him feel even better. She moved her hand toward her aching sex, still aroused by force he took her and she softly asked him to turn around and watch her coming for him. Once he loved that so much, so she hoped he will love it now too.

His gaze was focused, calm, metallic, empty. His eyes were so cold, no expression, nothing while he was observing her, moving in still rhythm. He was silent wrath incorporated. So majestic as fantasy creature, so beautiful. She couldn’t think of anything else except that coldness in his gaze. She felt, maybe involuntarily, her orgasm building, just looking at him. He smiled. Dear Lord, his smile was a movement, a crack in the porcelain mask. Something that gave godly beauty to his cold gaze. She thought she saw a little bit of disgust, but she couldn’t say for whom, for her or him? Was he hating himself so much for not be able to feel anything, or her that she was so freaking turned on by his hatred? Another mystery for her, but she came and she exploded, her orgasm pulled away from her by his most dark feelings. He smiled once more, now even more with disgust and just turned away from her.

She thought she was sick. She must be! She came by looking at his oblivion, his hatred, his anger. That made her come. He used her as an object to release himself and that turned her on! Yes… All of that. All of that, cause she WAS his object and she WAS proud cause of that.

Entry 002

There is no worst feeling then a feeling of cold where you should feel warm, she thought.

It wasn’t that “hand” that was ripping her chest open, it was coldness where she should feel warmth. Inside of her and on her lips in a morning when he is leaving.

It was always like that, as if they had a pact. She was leaving, she kissed him, he was leaving, he kissed her. Simple, so simple.

She felt his pain, so profoundly. She breathe it within herself. And she wanted to touch him, just to make that soft skin-to-skin connection, so he could feel HER warmth, so he could feel she was there for him. He rejected it. Not because he hated her, no, but because he couldn’t feel. He shut down for everything, including her too.

On a first instinct she wanted to flee from that battlefield, but then again, that would made her even greater coward, so she did what she was doing so far. She stared and cried, making a vow to herself that she will confront him.

Entry 001

She was staring at the wall, just sitting and staring. She wished she was numb. She prayed she got free of the feeling as some phantom hand is ripping her lungs away from her.

She was in pain and tears were just coming without any notice. She was staring and crying, eternal cycle and nothing more, just staring and crying. She just want pain to go away. She was a coward, she knew it. She was afraid of that pain, she had it once and she couldn’t stand it, not even a five minutes of it. She wished she was dead, or drugged, or sleeping for like a thousand years. But she couldn’t.

Lungs were ripped off, her heart too. Knifes were shoving deep inside her chest. She cradled herself: It is ok, you can do this. Feel it completely and adjust to it, live with it. Nothing to be afraid off, just that poking inside, you can use to it.

She wished she could. She was bleeding inside. Huge hole inside of her like a void, a black hole. Yes, that was it, a black hole and she was caught into it…